


Proverbial Sunrise

by TortiTabby



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Introspection, M/M, Personal Growth, hurt comfort, mentions of depression and anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 03:25:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17113541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TortiTabby/pseuds/TortiTabby
Summary: Dan reflects on his personal growth and the struggles that come with it.





	Proverbial Sunrise

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thespacecat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thespacecat/gifts), [danhedonia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/danhedonia/gifts).



> Thank you @huphilpuffs for beta reading this for me  
>   
>   
> Title and lyrics in fic from _"Who I am Hates Who I've Been"_ by Relient K

 

Dan ended the liveshow with shaky hands. He shouldn’t have tried to joke in the video. He should have never said anything so suggestive that backfired so badly.

Having things in his mouth? He knew better. 

It was all anyone was talking about after he poured his heart out for the Trying to Live My Truth video. 

He sighed and ran his hands through his hair and tried to find his bearings. The liveshow made it so much worse. Phil asked him not to do one but he hadn’t listened.

“Dan?” Phil’s voice was cautious and too soft as he knocked on the wall and stuck his head into the room. It was obvious he saw the total mess Dan just escalated. He was looking at Dan with pity. His moves were calculated as he entered the room as if Dan was a wild animal.

It made Dan’s stomach turn. He wasn’t like this anymore. He grew up from the person who denied anything that didn’t make him appear like another white straight boy on youtube.

“I’m fine Phil.” He muttered without looking at Phil’s worried face. He made his way towards the door. He needed air.

Phil grabbed his arm as he brushed past. “Don’t shut me out. We can fix this.” 

“How?” Dan wrenched his arm away.

The next day was filled with filming an amazingphil video in the morning and Phil painstakingly editing all afternoon so he could upload it that night.

“We’ll just take their minds off of it. It’ll blow over.” Phil assured him before wrapping his arms tightly around Dan and squeezing dramatically.

*

 

It didn’t blow over. Somehow things were worse than they were before the amazingphil video. Dan snuck a peek at the comments while Phil was taking a long shower to ease sore muscles that had been hunched over a computer editing all day.

_“I didn’t want to click on this once I saw Dan was in it.”_ _  
_ _“This would be better if you were by yourself, Phil!”_

_ “Does he really have to be in all of your videos???????? Ugh” _

It had been quite some time since Dan felt thoroughly disappointed and genuinely disgusted with himself. He really was so much better than how he used to be. The young twenty one year old that would say hateful and horrible things just to be edgy and to distance himself from his boyfriend while in the public eye was long, long ago. 

Dan liked to think there wasn’t any of that boy left in him. He’s grown out of that skin that he was always far too claustrophobic in. He had clawed his way out and was stronger because of it, with Phil firmly at his side. 

He still saw glimpses of him. In the bags under his eyes from sleepless nights worrying over stranger’s opinions, in videos that they didn’t have control over stepping an extra space away from Phil. He was there in his reflection on the days where color bled out of everything in his life. 

They were far and in between but he always felt rattled to see the scared version of him that would lash out viciously, like an animal that was caught in a trap. Anyone daring to come near enough to try to help got bit and he was lucky it didn’t scare everyone off. 

“I love you.” Phil said softly, jarring Dan out of his thoughts. He pulled the phone from Dan’s grip and rubbed away the tears Dan hadn’t realized spilled over his cheeks.

“We are overdue for a pajama week. No phones this time.” He tossed it to couch across the lounge. “We can assess after.”

 

*

 

“After” came and went and it all passed eventually. Dan spent a whole summer having people thank him for being exactly who he was, and that was enough to keep his demons, with a straightened fringe and clad in black, far away.

He was feeling good about who he was again, after a painstakingly long year that had very little content on his channel. He found he didn’t really care. He felt accomplished and solid in his life. 

“I think the heart throb video is doing really well!” Phil exclaimed. He was busy sorting through clothes to wear when he wasn’t scrolling through his phone.

“You shower then we eat. Hurry up, spork.” Dan laughed and rolled his eyes but turned to his own phone, pleased. Heartthrob was a game they had wanted to play on the channel for quite some time now. It was always hilarious. 

He frowned as he scrolled through their tag on tumblr, something Phil had told him countless times to refrain from doing.

There was a video circulating that wasn’t the one he had been looking at feedback from.

Twenty one year old Dan with his eyebrows raised and a mocking laugh on his face cycled through the cards making crude as well as cruel jokes at how each of the men looked. He made comments about the  _ girls  _ that would play it. He was generally awful and off putting and it was one of those moments that Dan had trouble wrapping his mind around how he could ever be like that.

He quickly closed out of tumblr and hurried to strip off his clothes.

“Phil? Want company?” He called through the door that was left cracked open.

“Thor’s here?” Phil’s cheeky reply shot back. Dan stopped in his tracks and shook his head fondly. Phil always made him feel better. These days comments about a nude Thor were more common than the internalized homophobic bullshit he used to spew. 

He slipped into the steamy bathroom and slid in between Phil and the cascading water. 

“I sure hope not, I don’t think there’s room for all three of us in here.” He shot back.  

“What’s wrong?” Phil asked as he squeezed far too much shampoo on to Dan’s head.

“Nothing now.” Dan said, and he meant it.

Things weren’t always how he wanted them to be, and as much as he wished he could he wouldn’t always be ready to make the jokes and comments that he wanted to. It was a learning process without any guidebook and he was bound to fuck up sometimes. He was  _ learning  _ though. He would put the hard work in. Not just for Phil, but for the scared and angry Dan who refused to accept himself fully. He was learning to love and forgive himself. The change inside of himself was slow but it was there. Working on himself was the hardest thing he’d ever done but he was already becoming the Dan he knew he could be and the one he really wanted to be. 

 

Years ago he wouldn't make half of the comments he did these days, and if he did it would be with a flinch and a sleepless night of regret and overthinking. He never thought he would have his nails shimmer when the sunlight caught them just right, or a glint of a single hoop earring under the fluff of curls he’s left. It isn’t that he didn’t want these things before, he just never  _ saw _ himself in a place where he could happily live his life the way he truly wanted to before now. He was getting there though.

He was on his way to actually living his truth. 

  
  


_ I’m sorry for the person I became _

_ I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change _

_ I’m ready to try and never become that way again _

_ Because who I am hates who I’ve been _

_ Who I am hates who I’ve been. _

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Spacecat and Nads for making me cry about Dan while I listened to Relient K the other night!  
> And everyone else in the word war chats!  
>   
> Come and harass me on tumblr [here!](tortitabby.tumblr.com)  
> You can [reblog here](https://tortitabby.tumblr.com/post/181334792480/proverbial-sunrise) if you'd like to. It would be appreciated ;)


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